Retrospective: Paris - After the mess was over

5.5 Francesco De la Cruz - Maybe

Spring 1994, Mae's apartment

The sun sent warm rays through the open windows. The cold days were finally over.
Francesco watched Mae pick a dress from the drawer. She was antsy. "If I mess this up, I can't take organic chemistry II next semester and my whole curriculum will be screwed..." No, she was desperate.

"Why would you mess it up? You studied a lot."
Freaking out about an exam was something Francesco never understood. Even less when you wasted so much time to prepare for it. He had always studied just enough to pass, grades didn't matter to him.

"Buuuuut -" she made funny faces.
"Relax. You'll be fine."

She threw her hands in the air and now made her "you-just-don't-get-it" face.
But eventually she took a deep breath and calmed down a little.

She turned back to the closet to pick another dress and just about ten seconds later, started to rattle down all the chemical formulas she had learned instead.

Okay, so much for calming down.

Francesco had heard those formulas so often when he helped her studying this week, he knew some of them already by heart too.

He had to stop that madness, and now was as good a time as any to ask.

"Mae, what you gonna do when you're done with school?"

She finally stopped and he could see her think.
"Hm... I haven't really made any specific plans yet, but... I would like to travel. The food here is quite different from home. It's mostly the same ingredients, but the spicing is different. But then there are countries where they use completely different stuff, and I'd really like to try those too!"
She flopped down next to him.

"Did you know, in South East Asia they eat a fruit that stinks! It's so bad it's even forbidden in some places, like airports!", she exclaimed.

He hadn't known.
"Really? Why would someone want to eat it?"

"It's considered a delicacy. It must be reeeeally good if people eat that! I totally have to try it myself!" She made it sound like it was a life goal. "I don't think I can stay in one place for the rest of my life. I want to see places and try as many different types of food as possible. I don't know how I will do it yet... but I'll know when I get there."

Francesco studied her face. Big green eyes full of hopes and dreams, tiny button nose, and countless freckles that a week out in the spring sun made even more prominent.
What if he didn't have to give up waking up next to her every morning?

What she wanted was not so different from what he did.

Maybe they could travel together when she was done with school. He could wait that long, one year and a half didn't really matter that much. Then he could play his music on local festivals and bars all around the world, and she could eat whatever weird food she found. 

And together they would figure a way to get by.

"Mae -"
Before he could continue, she jumped up.

"I'm gonna be late!!" she cried out, grabbed her bag and almost was out of the door already, but then swirled back once more and placed a small kiss on his lips.
"See ya tonight," she threw over her shoulder while rushing out.

Francesco would have to ask her tonight then.
He had to.

After Mae was kidnapped, he was more convinced than ever that he shouldn't be with her. If he hadn't stayed, if he hadn't dragged her into his mess, she wouldn't have got hurt.
Even after they had miraculously gotten out, he still stayed. To make sure she'd be safe, he told himself.
When she had visited her family, he missed her terribly, but it didn't change his decision to leave.

Until Charlotte finally made him question it.

"Tell me that she really is so easy to replace."

And then she kissed him, out of the blue. He was so dumbstruck that he unwittingly responded, like he had learned to do when he had lived with Suzette.

It was over as quick as it started, and Charlotte was so embarrassed, and he was so relieved.
She was probably the only trustworthy friend that Mae had left, and he was glad she didn't really have any intentions towards him.
So he waved it off without questioning, and they moved on. They still met and kept each other distracted from their loneliness, but only as friends.

Still, that kiss was like a bucket of ice water over his head. And he started to wonder how a life without Mae would be.
Empty.

It kept nagging him, and finally his determination to leave crumbled.
He knew he was damaged, broken, messed up, but more and more, he wanted to be with her.

Life with her was so good, so easy and relaxing.
He loved how full of life, passionate and sweet she was, and he loved her, so much.
And she did love him too, right?
It wasn't something they said with words, on the contrary, she rather encouraged him to leave so he could follow his dreams and be happy.
But he could feel it, she was caring and so warm, and it was more than just kindness.
And after she came back from her family, he felt it even stronger than before.

Still, he was hesitant.
There was always that voice that reminded him that she'd be so much better off without him and it was just selfish not to leave her alone.
But then time passed, the nightmares became less and less frequent, he was calmer and the constantly burning rage was nothing but a faint memory.
And the more time passed, the more that selfishness took over.

Screw those doubts, once more, and this time for good.
He'd still chase his dreams of being a famous musician, but together with her.
He wanted Mae.

Francesco cleaned up the breakfast table and picked up the grocery list Mae had put together yesterday night. She had asked him to go early, so he could get the freshest fruit and vegetables at the local supermarket before they were gone by the time her classes were over.

It had been months until she had trusted him to buy food alone. When he thought how pesky she was about it, he had to laugh.

He turned back once more to take the notebook she gave him last Christmas and stuffed it into his pocket.
"In this your songs will be safe," Mae had said, and he had kept it with him since then.
It was pretty useful.