S2/03. Convergence

3.7 Mae West
Summer 1998, Mae's & Nia's apartment

To Mae's and Fernandez' relief, Mariella was just right in front of the concert hall's doors. 

"I needed to breathe," she said, "It's so stuffy in there I got a little dizzy." She still looked a little pale.

Mae noticed that she herself was also a bit light-headed. Her stirred up feelings about Francesco probably had likely contributed to it, too, but coming out into the fresh air was reviving. She took a deep breath to clear her head again. She could leave Francesco behind, together with his stupid music career and her broken heart as well, and finally move on.

At least that was what she'd decided, but even after they'd arrived home, she had trouble to fully pay attention to her guests.

It took her a while to notice it. But the more she watched Mariella closely, the more obvious it became that something was off with the girl, too.

Mariella was a tad louder than usual, almost forcefully and something that could possibly be best described by absent-minded; though it wasn't quite the right word.

Mae also had a feeling as if Mariella avoided her, but that wasn't quite right, either. She did answer all of Mae's questions, but – yeah, that was it.

Mariella avoided looking at Mae.

Mae could've sworn it hadn't been the case before the concert.

Also – and this was the oddest of it all – it was Fernandez who talked more than her. Usually it was Mariella who was the noisier and chattier of them both.

"... and then my dad's band played too!" Fernandez gushed at the round. "I didn't think their new label would make Deep Rift perform so soon after they signed, but I guess they're just that good," he gestured exceedingly. "When you get the chance, you should totally see them live once! You won't see a guitarist as good as my dad anytime soon. Well... maybe Slash," he added, suddenly a little embarrassed of his bragging.

It was cute.

But Mariella just snorted. 

"Your dad is nothing but a useless jerk," she spat.

That came unexpected – and it hit.

Fernandez looked like he got a bucket of ice cold water over his head. His eyes darted around in confusion, his hands frozen in their last gesture.

"But-"

He didn't find more words.

Mariella rolled her eyes. "Didn't you say it yourself? Your mom kicked him out because he's a cheater. And she said he's a loser too. No one would want to see a guy like that."

One could hear the proverbial needle drop.

Mae was shocked. What in the world got into the girl? Mariella never held back with her opinions, but she also never would hurt and make a fool of her best friend!

"Mari-" Mae started, but she was interrupted by Mariella's excessively loud groaning, then jumping up and locking herself in the bathroom. 

Not without smashing the door with full force. The door might as well have hit Mae's face; she couldn't have been more stunned.

Like through a haze, she observed how motion returned tentatively to the room.

"Oh god, how the time flies!" Diana exclaimed, slightly louder than necessary. "I need to go home. Good night everyone!"

Hastily she grabbed her bag and her daughter, then rushed out of the apartment, barely waiting for her friends' good byes.

"So- Fernandez, Mae said you're also playing the guitar, don't you?" Quickly Ben took up the conversation, before the mood could sour again. He smiled cheerily. "Do you practice a lot?"

Fernandez shot nervous glances towards the bathroom door, but didn't dare to ignore someone older than him.

"Yeah- a bit. I'm trying to teach myself, because my mom won't allow me to take lessons," he mumbled.

"Woah, that's not easy!" Deandre applauded. "How do you start something like that?"

"I'll get you a new drink," Nia threw in between, and went to the fridge.

Relieved, Mae left Fernandez to the boys and Nia. He'd eventually relax again, while she had to check on Mariella.

Carefully she knocked on the bathroom door.

"Mariella... what's going on?"

"Go away!" It came back, sharp and angry. "I'm not talking to you anymore!"

Okay? 

So they were back there again, for whatever reason.

Mae took a deep breath. 

First, she'd have to get Mariella out, then she'd figure what to do next. 

"Mari, we have only one bathroom, and there are seven people in this apartment... would you mind leaving it unoccupied? You can close yourself in my room if you need to."

It stayed quiet in the other room for a while.

After a few seconds, the key turned and Mariella grudgingly came out, eyes locked on the ground.

"Come," Mae said and opened the door to her bedroom.

The girl lurched after her.

She flopped onto the bed, looking at everything but Mae.

"Mariella, don't you-" Mae tried to speak, but she didn't get very far.

"You did cheat on dad!" It broke out of Mariella. She panted full of rage, her eyes piercing Mae with daggers.

"What?"

It took Mae a second, but then she understood.

The rumors!

They must've gotten to Mariella, and she believed them, too!

Now Mae got angry too.

Very angry!

At her old friends for spreading the lies, at Herbert for believing them and dragging Mariella into it – who absolutely should not be involved in this – and while Mae was at it, at Francesco, too, for being the reason for her misery while he himself lived his rockstar dream.

She was livid!

"I never! Ever! Cheated on anyone!"

She almost yelled. Just barely she could suppress her voice to a sharp hiss. The last thing she'd wanted would be Fernandez catching up on this mess, too! If he didn't, already...

"Is this the reason why you suddenly wanted to visit and spend time together again? To throw this into my face? I'm so disappointed! Exactly you, of all people, should know me better than that!"

"Well- I thought so too!" Mariella shot back, although much less confident than before. She was even a little pale, and Mae realized she'd never yelled at the girl before.

Still, Mariella didn't back down. "But then I've seen you crying at the concert!" She insisted. "Can you explain why, if not for that- that guy you know? You know him, don't you? Better than you told us; and now you dumped us to follow him here!"

Mae's anger evaporated almost instantly. Mariella'd seen her cry! And worse, she'd drawn the worst conclusion. Not that there were many other plausible ones to think of. Her stepdaughter needed answers – but how could Mae explain what she didn't quite understand herself?

She'd loved Herbert, and barely ever had thought of Francesco; even less she'd sought to rekindle their old affair – but what was it exactly that she'd felt for Francesco now? How could he make her leave Herbert in a heartbeat, and be forgotten in the next, while Mae cried her eyes out over her broken marriage that she'd destroyed all by herself – because of him?

Mae sank on her bed next to Mariella. Deflated, like a balloon that lost all its air.

"It's... complicated," she said, honestly, because she didn't even know what else to say.

Mariella groaned, loud, and angry.

"So you did cheat!" She yelled. "And don't even try to find excuses! You're the worst! I hate you Mae!"

Before Mae could answer her outburst, Mariella stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind her.

Just to open it two seconds later and come back inside. She panted, and her face glowed red of anger and most likely embarrassment, too.

"I didn't cheat on your dad," Mae muttered, startled over Mariella's fury. However, saying that she didn't leave because of Francesco, would be a lie; even if it wasn't for an affair. But since Mae still struggled to figure her feelings out, she wouldn't tell that her stepdaughter. Especially not when Mariella was upset and mistrusting, anyway.

"At the concert, I cried because I'm still hurt that Francesco left me years ago," she said instead. "You can believe me, I never want to get back with him." 

Mae was surprised how easy these words came over her lips. And more so, how simple and true it was, despite all the other complications around it. 

"Not while I was married, nor before, nor now," she added.

That was maybe a bit exaggerated, except for the last part. It was due time for him to get out of her life and her mind.

Mariella eyed her suspiciously, but she seemed to believe Mae.

"Then... why did you leave us?"

Very quiet and vulnerable, she asked the one question Mae tried to avoid. But if Mae wanted to mend their relationship, she had to be straight with her stepdaughter. At least as much as possible.

Mae took a deep breath.

"I love Herbert, but..."

'I didn't feel like he loved me anymore-'

'I didn't want a baby-'

'I was lonely, I had no one to talk to-'

'I was – bored of this life?!'

It all sounded like lame excuses, nothing else.

Truthfully, she'd been very unhappy, but the reasons she could come up with, all sounded selfish and ungrateful. At the core of it all, she was the problem. 

"But?" Mariella's eyes still pierced her. Full with anxious anticipation.

"I'm just... too different from him." Mae finally said, weakly.

Mariella looked confused. "But you and dad were always different! It's not as if one of you suddenly changed?!" She slid back on the bed, next to Mae, full attention on her.

"Yes- no, it's not what I meant- I thought I wanted a normal life, like everyone else. Be happily married to a nice husband like your dad and taking care of you two and the house, but- I need more."

"Like- a job?" Mariella squinted. "I don't think dad would mind if you work. Or a hobby?" 

Mae sighed. Of course, a job was the solution to resolve every housewife's misery, or so it was preached everywhere. 

"It's more complicated..." 

"Because it would be difficult to work with a baby?" Mariella asked cautiously.

Mae's attention peaked. Did Mariella also pick up that Herbert wanted more kids? Nonetheless, it was a more tangible explanation than Mae's confusing, messed up feelings towards Herbert and Francesco.

"Yeah, it would be very difficult," she said. "Taking care of a baby without a job is already very difficult."

Slowly, slowly, comprehension dawned onto Mariella's face. 

And then her face fell. Down, into something almost desperate.

Finally, she broke out.

"Can't you come back and make it work?" She cried. "We don't need to have another baby! Please, I will help you with the housework, too! I don't want someone like Mrs. Brandenburg become my new stepmom!"

"Mrs. Brandenburg?" Another slap into Mae's face. "Your dad is seeing Mrs. Brandenburg?! But she's married!"

And she already had three kids! Mae doubted she'd give Herbert the baby he wanted so much!

"Or... did she divorce her husband too?" Mae asked. She was confused.

Even then – fine, she was much more suburban housewife-material than Mae could ever hope to be, but she was also bossy with Herbert, loved to torture the students that couldn't keep up with her military-style sports program, and her cooking sucked!

"Erhm... Actually... he doesn't see her," Mariella mumbled, and looked suddenly very guilty. "I only said that because I was mad at you. But," it came a tad louder, "she's more at us than her own house, and awfully concerned about dad. Looks like he likes it." She pressed her lips into a grim, thin line.

"Oh."

Although Mae'd wished Herbert wouldn't have replaced her so easily, hearing that he let Mrs. Brandenburg, of all people, console him, flared up a bunch of very weird emotions.

No, Mariella must've misread it. The Brandenburgs were Herbert's friends since far before Mae met him, and their eldest daughter Anna always did her best to befriend the same-aged Mariella – with mediocre success. It was probably given, that Mrs. Brandenburg had to look after the now wife-less Herbert.

But still...

"Mae, you have to come back," Mariella pleaded. "You said you still love him, no? I'm sure dad still loves you, too!"

Mae hesitated. She almost caved, only for Mariella. But the faint, uncomfortable reluctance when she thought to resume her old life and be with Herbert again, was still there, and more tenacious since she'd heard about Mrs. Brandenburg. As much as she still had feelings for Herbert, she didn't want to go back to him anymore.

No, not even for Mariella.

The epiphany finally came over her.

No matter what he did, or she did, or wanted; Mae didn't want to be in a relationship with Herbert anymore.

Was this called falling out of love?

How, and when did that happen??

Was that the true reason why she left, or did that happen after she was gone?

"Mariella... it's not that easy," she said, suddenly very tired. "Your dad, and I, we should both have a partner who wants the same things, so that we can live a happy life and don't have to give up something we really want. And to be honest, I don't feel like I want any partner at all... not now and I don't think too soon, either."

Mariella opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something, but then closed it again. She looked miserable, but it was evident that she couldn't honestly object.

"It's not fair," she wailed. "You can just go wherever you want, do whatever you want... and I have to rot in that shithole forever! And if Mrs Brandenburg- It'll be even worse-"

She sniffed. 

Mae flinched at Mariella's strong language. Where had her stepdaughter learned talk like that?? Mae wasn't too squeamish, but it sounded just wrong from the mouth of her little girl.

Instead of chiding her, she pat her on the shoulder, a vague attempt to calm her.

"Shh, that's not gonna happen. Your dad and Mrs Brandenburg are just friends, and she enjoys gossip just a tad too much. You'll see," she tried to smile cheerily. "And meanwhile; why don't you come over here from time to time? I can take you shopping again, to the arcade, or more concerts; all the things you cannot do in the Springs. I'm sure your dad won't mind if you visit me more often."

Mariella's head jerked up. For a second Mae worried she'd lash out again, but the girl just froze. Then Mae could see the wheels in Mariella's head turn.

"I guess so," she pressed out finally. 

Going to concerts was apparently more important than her grudge towards Mae. 

Which would pass eventually, too, Mae was sure about it.

From the living room, loud laughter reminded them that they weren't alone. And that there was still another unresolved issue.

"So... now that this is cleared up; I think you need to apologize to Fernandez," Mae cut straight to the point. "Did you blow up on him because he's not obviously mad at his dad for cheating?"

Mariella looked reluctantly guilty. "His dad's a cockroach," she mumbled. "How can Fernandez still like him? He's never even there."

"I am sure Fernandez is hurting too, he may just deal differently with it," Mae surmised. "I think it'd be better if you're a good friend to him, especially now after his parents divorced."

Mariella looked more miserable, if that was even possible.

 "Come," Mae gently pat on her shoulder while she opened the door.

"...and when she got pregnant, he left my mom and me," they caught Ben talking. "Nah, don't make that face! we still talk – sometimes. But Ebony – my sister – is really cool. I'm glad she is there. I wouldn't have a sister if not for that, so I guess it was a happy ending, after all."

"Yeah... I guess I know what you mean," Fernandez said slowly. "It's good to have siblings."

He should know, he had about half a dozen siblings, or so, Mae almost snickered. Well, of which he knew, at least.

"Okay, we're out now," Ben said when he noticed Mae. "I guess you kids need to catch some sleep."

"I think," Mariella said, loud enough to get everyone's attention through the leaving hustle and bustle, "a loser with some guitar skills might still be worth watching, occasionally. If you're into decent music, that is; you should check out Deep Rift."

She rubbed her neck.

Fernandez beamed.